


Five Times Melinda May Cried and One Time Phil Wouldn't Let Her

by Rosaline_C



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Fic, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 10:04:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14691933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosaline_C/pseuds/Rosaline_C
Summary: Melinda May has never been a crier. Not because she’s never felt the need to, but because she’s afraid that it’ll show weakness. She’s become so good at hiding her emotions over the years that she’s often seen as being emotionless–but she wasn’t. Melinda felt everything–every emotion–she just didn’t show it.





	Five Times Melinda May Cried and One Time Phil Wouldn't Let Her

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this took so long. I was on vacation. Spoiler alert, it contains the third sneak peek for the finale that was released. If you don’t want to be spoiled, skip section V. and jump to the +I after IV

I.   
When Melinda was a little girl she loved figure skating. She loved skating fast, and all the spinning and jumping made her feel powerful. Naturally she was pretty good at it too--she was good at anything she put her mind to. The first time she competed she felt a rush and thought she’d love nothing more. 

The more she skated the more daring she got and the more she hit the hard, cold ice. That was fine with her until the day she took a particularly bad fall one day and busted up her knee. The blood seeped over the ice as she tried to catch her breath. Stumbling to get up, she slipped back down and hit the ice again. With the second fall, she couldn’t help the tears that started rolling down her cheeks. She couldn’t miss the disappointed look on her mother’s face as her coach helped her get off the ice. 

The other girls were all worried about Melinda’s fall but she tried to brush it off as if it was nothing. Why draw more attention to herself when she was already so embarrassed for making a fool out of herself. 

She kept her head down until she got to her mother’s car. Not saying a word as she climbed into the back seat. 

“Crying is weakness, Qiaolian,” Lian May told the young after several minutes of uncomfortable silence. 

“I’m sorry,” she responded quietly, ashamed. Clearly, Lian was embarrassed to have a daughter who cried just because she fell. 

“Don’t do it again,” Lian warned, and Melinda didn’t. Not for a long time. 

Not long after that, Melinda switched from figure skating to martial arts, and discovered she loved it even more. She was still ashamed of that time she cried on the ice but at least it led to her finding something she was skilled at and passionate about. Lian never brought up the incident again.

 

II.  
There were so many people watching her every move. Whispers calling her “the cavalry” and saying she was a hero. It wasn’t true. None of it was true.  
“Hey, every agent who walked out of that building is alive because of you,” Phil said after he pulled her out of there. No, he couldn’t be comforting her. She didn’t deserve it. 

“The girl,” she stumbled to find words. “I- I couldn’t save her.” Phil looked at her with pity and she couldn’t stand it. He needed to understand. “She didn’t understand. I tried.”

“It’s alright,” he soothed. “You have to let the girl go, Melinda. Let the girl go,” he told her as she desperately tried not to fall apart. She was quickly losing the battle as sobs started to wrack through her body. 

She hated crying but Phil’s words were enough to make her break down in his arms. She couldn’t live with what she had done. They were supposed to be the welcome committee--it was never supposed to happen like this. 

Her life had been so good: she had a job she enjoyed, a partner she trusted with her life, and a husband she was trying to start a family with. Her and Andrew had been trying… She couldn’t save the girl… Oh god, she couldn’t save the girl. She didn’t deserve to be a mother. 

“Shh, Melinda, it’s alright,” Phil tried to soothe as she sobbed harder into his chest. “Let’s get you out of here,” he whispered to her.

She didn’t even remember getting up or moving but somehow Phil managed to get her over to a med team, and after some fussing and Melinda snapping at them, she was cleared to go. 

She struggled to keep her hold on reality while Phil led them to the nearest hotel and booked them a room. All she could see was the girl reaching out her hand and begging Melinda to be her new mother. Then the deafening shot of her own gun and all she saw was blood. She could still feel the little girl’s body in her arms as the life drained out of her. It was all too much. 

“May,” Phil said gently enough to get her attention without startling her. She looked up at him with wide eyes and sat down. Phil went through the motions of cleaning the blood off her face before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to him on top of the bed. 

The toll of the day took over and she cried herself to sleep in her partner’s arms. When he woke up in the morning, she was gone. She didn’t deserve his comfort after what she had done. Besides, crying was weakness. 

 

III.   
She’d been tense since she got the call from Phil in New York. She knew he was on a dangerous mission with the Avengers but she didn’t know any more than that, and she wouldn’t be able to relax until he was home safe. 

She wasn’t sure how many times she’d read the same line of her mindless paperwork when the phone finally rang. 

“Phil?” she asked, grabbing the phone without even bothering to check who it was. 

A female voice responded, and Melinda’s heart sank. “I’m sorry, Mel. He didn’t make it. 

And with seven words from Maria Hill, Melinda’s world fell apart. She had to remember to take a deep breath. Blood was pounding in her ears as her heart raced. Maria had to be wrong. He couldn’t be gone. 

The rest of the day was a blur. She got home and calmly poured herself a drink. Didn’t take her long to drain it and just grab the bottle and start drinking straight from it, rather than pour herself another one. 

She’d known this man--loved this man--since the academy, and now he was gone. He was her best friend. They could’ve been more if Andrew hadn’t come along. She’d never deserved him, even as a friend, and now she never would. 

After half a bottle of whisky she decided it was time to go to bed, since she was too drunk to go beat something up like she would’ve usually. She rifled through her closet to find the Captain America shirt she knew was in there somewhere. 

She didn’t remember exactly when she had stolen the shirt from Phil, but it was at some point during their academy years. She couldn’t even remember why she took it--it was probably a prank in the beginning. She knew he looked for it for ages after that, but she just couldn’t part with it. If he ever found out that she had it, he never said anything. 

She made it through her nightly routine on autopilot. Washed her face, brushed her teeth, pulled her hair back… It seemed all too normal for the situation. She didn’t break until she put on Phil’s shirt and crawled into bed. Only then did she let herself be vulnerable and cry over the loss of the man she loved. 

 

IV.  
She knew he’d been acting differently since Ghost Rider but she never imagined this was why. A million questions ran through her head. How could he be dying again? Why did it feel like all they did was lose each other? Why had they wasted so much time? Why hadn’t he told her?

She was so pissed at him for keeping this a secret. After all they’d been through--all they meant to each other--he was still keeping secrets. 

She’d been terrified when he had collapsed during his and Daisy’s argument. The moment he hit the ground, her heart plummeted. She’d known something was wrong, why hadn’t she pushed harder? He was as stubborn as she was, and she figured he was just exhausted like her. She figured once they had a moment to catch their breath he’d be back to himself. 

Then he’d collapsed and the world had stopped until he woke up. The waiting while Simmons had run tests was unbearable. Then the worst had happened: the man she loved was dying. 

Emotions were high when the team found out. Jemma struggled to keep her emotions out of her voice while she told them the test results. She couldn’t even look at Phil while the young scientist explained the tissue around his heart was dead and that one day his heart would just stop. Daisy couldn’t look at him either. 

She’d been the first one to say the words out loud. “He’s dying.” Only then could she look at him. “You’ve known since Ghost Rider, haven’t you?”

Fitz and Mack both looked devastated and Jemma had started to cry while Phil tried to defend his decision to not tell them. Both Melinda and Daisy argued that he was wrong, but he remained stubborn. Melinda tried to keep her emotions in check in front of the team but as soon as Daisy ran out of the room crying, and Phil went after her, she knew she had to get out of there too. 

The tears started to fall as soon as she got to her bunk. She couldn’t fully fall apart--they didn’t have time for that--but for now she needed a moment. 

She let the tears run down her cheeks as she tightly closed her eyes. This couldn’t be happening. She thought back to Phil telling her they should take a step back. They’d been getting closer before she was kidnapped and replaced with an LMD, and then he’d said that. She figured it must have been something the LMD had done, but now it all made sense. 

Taking a deep breath, she calmed her mind and wiped the tears from her face. Now that she’d had a moment to lament, she needed to go find Phil. She’d already lost him once, and she wasn’t about to let it happen again. 

 

V.   
He’d kissed her. They’d been in the middle of an argument and then suddenly they were being shot at, and he was pulling her towards him behind his shield and kissing her. It was everything she had wanted and it was over too soon. 

Then before she’d even gotten to process where this would take their relationship, reality kicked in and threatened to take the man she loved from her again. 

She couldn’t believe how small he looked as he lay still, hooked up to oxygen to help him breathe. The rest of the team had all left to find solutions to both Phil’s conditions and the end of the world. Fitzsimmons and Yoyo seemed skeptical that they could save both Phil and the world, but she wasn’t ready to lose hope yet. The team also understood that she needed to be with him right now. 

Tears spilled down her cheeks as she tried to control her breathing. She couldn’t lose him. Not like this. As agents, she figured one, or both of them, would die in battle, not strapped to a hospital bed waiting for Phil’s heart to finally give out. She wanted to beg him to stay with her, but she knew it wouldn’t do any good. He needed a reason to live. She could be that reason if he’d just let her. 

She heard a soft knock on the door before Daisy tentatively entered the room. The young woman was having as many problems letting go of Phil as she was. Didn’t he know how much they needed him here with them?

“Hey,” Daisy said softly, setting her hand on Melinda’s arm. If she had noticed the tears, she didn’t say anything. “How is he?”

“The same,” Melinda responded, unable to look at her. 

“He’s strong,” Daisy reassured. Melinda nodded somberly and Daisy continued. “I hate doing this to you right now but Talbot has Robin and Polly.”

May looked panicked. She took a breath and tried to keep her emotions in check. “Just let me have a minute with him and I’ll meet you on the Zephyr.” Daisy nodded and left her alone with Phil. 

As soon as Daisy was gone, Melinda leaned down to kiss Phil’s forehead. 

“Mel,” he said, voice raspy, as the contact woke him up. 

“Hey,” she said softly. “Robin is in danger. Daisy and I have to go.”

He struggled to swallow, and she could see the panic in his eyes as he tried to find words. 

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “This isn’t it. You don’t get to say goodbye now.”

He looked so worn down and broken. Even his eyes that were usually so full of life, were clouded with defeat. “Melinda, we both know I’m running out of time.”

“I don’t believe that,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady. “We’d like to see you walk out of this room and rejoin the fight, but it’s up to you--if you think more time is worth it.” There was so much emotion on Phil’s face as she continued. “I’ve made it clear how I feel…”

“I think I have too,” he responded softly. 

“But even now, the word scares you,” she said, emotion starting to cloud her voice. 

He struggled with his next words. “I’m just having a hard enough time leaving you behind.”

She steeled herself. “So don’t.” 

She got up to leave when he spoke again. “Melinda…” She shook her head at him, not wanting to hear any more. “Don’t leave yet,” he requested. 

She reached down and cupped his face before kissing him soundly. “You’ll be here when I get back,” she said, as an order more than anything else. 

She turned and left the room before she could let her emotions get the better of her. The time for crying was over. 

 

+I  
It was over. Robin and Polly were safe. They saved the world. Phil was still alive and would be for a long time if she had anything to say about it. Melinda felt like she could finally breathe again. 

After the fight against Talbot, Jemma had rushed off to inject Phil with the cure. Something Melinda had said finally got to him and he agreed to let them save him. 

Melinda left Robin and Polly with Daisy and rushed to his side. Now she just had to wait for him to wake up again. 

She was tired of losing people and she was so glad they managed to get through this with everyone alive. They’d been too much loss in this team over the years. 

Time seemed to crawl until Phil finally opened his eyes. This time when he woke up, he smiled at her instead of looking defeated. “Phil--” she started, but he cut her off. 

“No, I need to say this first.” He still sounded weak and healing would take some time, but once he was healed he was going to be fine. He shakily lifted his hand to brush the hair out of her face. “Melinda, I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said, her eyes welling with tears. She was exhausted and tired of hiding her emotions. 

“Enough of that,” he joked lightly, wiping the tears from her face. “I’m still alive. I’m still here.”

He was, and she wasn’t letting him out of her sight anytime soon. As soon as Simmons cleared him to leave, the two of them were leaving Daisy in charge, packing up, and going on vacation to Australia. 

“Don’t you ever try to die on me again,” she warned. He smiled and she bent down to kiss him. They were going to be okay.


End file.
